Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Worth the Wait

Laura Kate made her entrance into the world at 9;04 am on August 14, 2013 at 42 weeks exactly. My baby girl is beautiful. She weighed 8lbs 12oz and 21 inches long. She has been nursing like a champ! And so very alert! We are in awe that she is ours!!!! 

Monday, August 12, 2013


Well this is my last update before Laura Kate arrives. We had a stressful appointment this morning and while overall everything is just fine it scared us into asking for an induction tonight. I'll go into detail about it later. For now, I'm really trying hard to just relax and enjoy my last day of pregnancy with this sweet girl. 

One more day where she's still alllll mine! 

This pregnancy has been amazing. As awful as I felt during the first trimester I hope and pray I get the chance to experience this again. 

It really is a bit bittersweet. 

But mostly I just cannot wrap my mind around meeting my daughter. It just doesn't seem real. 

So tonight at midnight we go in and they'll start cervidil. Tomorrow morning we will start pitocin. 

Not the way I envisioned things. And while everyone says it won't matter in the end, and they may be right, it matters now. It matters because I just wanted what was best for her and once again, my body can't keep a baby completely safe. So there's a huge sense of failure. And inductions come with so many risks, how do I know which is better? Keeping her inside or putting her at risk by forcing her out. 

But anyway, that's what happening! We should be meeting our sweet girl tomorrow, Wednesday at the latest! 

Holy cow! 

Keep us in your prayers!!!! 

Can't believe we've made it this far!!!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Little Procrastinator!!!

41 weeks 3 days. And Laura Kate still isn't even thinking about her debut. Little stinker! 

Sometimes I wonder if my uterus is broken! They say no one has been pregnant forever but I might just be the first! ;) 

But seriously, physically I still feel pretty good. I'm sleeping wonderfully. I wake up once or twice to pee but can fall right back to sleep so it's not too bad and since I'm still on bed rest I've been getting naps in while I can! My biggest complaint is joint stiffness. Being confined to the recliner or bed isn't helping that but it's usually not too bad. 

Im so ready for labor to start and to meet this little girl! But for whatever reason she's just not ready. My anxiety is creeping back up because we've got four days for something to happen! Four days before I'm 42 weeks and at that point I'm no longer okay with keeping her on the inside. I truly feel she would be healthier on the outside than the inside if we go beyond 42, so during my Monday appointment (that I hope I don't make!) my OB and I will make official and final induction plans. I'm good with an induction starting as early as Tuesday and as late as Thursday. So we will see what is the most "convenient" for my doctor. (Isn't it irritating to think its all about convenience?!)

But for now I'm praying that labor starts at any second. Right now would be great! Or now. 

Or now. 

You get the point! 

So strange to think we prayed for so long for a baby to STAY on the inside and here we are not able to get her to come out! 

Monday, August 5, 2013

Still on the inside!

Today we are 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant and baby girl is still happy on the inside! And honestly, if she's happy and healthy then I'm completely content with keeping her in my belly as long as she wants. I desperately want to meet her but I think knowing that this could very well be the one and only pregnancy I'm okay with dragging this on and on! 

I'm still on bed rest. I think this makes day 12. It's not too awful. Especially after those first few days of just feeling helpless and like a burden, once I let go of that I have felt okay with it. I mostly can keep myself entertained. But every so often I really get stir crazy and feel like I'm going to explode if I don't leave the house. But the feeling doesn't last forever. 

This last week has been eventful. This past Wednesday my blood pressure started getting too high despite laying around and following orders so my OB sent me to L&D for monitoring. I was honestly so upset and cried the whole way to the hospital because I just knew I was about to be induced. It's not that I wouldn't have been excited to meet my baby but it just wasn't going the way I'd always envisioned and I felt like a huge failure. 

Instead my blood pressure readings were almost all good. And this was despite the fact that I was incredibly uncomfortable hooked up to four different monitors, unable to move, and sitting in this miserable bed. I was a Bitter Betty and made it known (Thanks Mom and Brian for putting up with me!). 

Once my OB arrived she did an internal check and said my cervix was still shut tight and posterior. She looked over all my reports and said I could.....


I was honestly pretty shocked. Of course she had stipulations and I had to agree to daily monitoring at her office during the weekdays and in the hospital over the weekend. I agreed. 

Thursday morning I went in for the biophysical profile and all the other checks. BP still looked really good. And she decided to check my cervix yet again. I reluctantly agreed thinking there was no way it would change in 15 hours but she said it was really starting to soften. Still not dilated but it was nice to hear that my body had begun to get ready. 

Things looked so good she switched me to every other day monitoring so we only had to go to the hospital on Saturday. Once again, excellent BP. But I was still a Bitter Betty. I mean, WHY does the hospital have to be so damn uncomfortable?! I've never been in a more uncomfortable bed in my life. 

And then this morning I had another BPP, this time with a growth scan. Laura Kate is looking fantastic and weighing in at 9lbs. 1oz but the tech said that because one measurement was so different than the others she really doesn't think she weighs that much. Of course only meeting her will tell us for sure but she really seemed confident that we were probably .5 to 1 pound less than what was measured. Either way, 9lbs doesn't seem that big for an almost 41 weeker. 

Then we met with the doc. BP was excellent yet again. Internal check now shows that my cervix is realllly soft and anterior. More progress! Still no dilation. I asked what was the longest she would let me go (as of Wednesday/Thursday of last week she was very adamant that she would not under any circumstances let me go past 41 weeks and to be honest I wasn't going to fight her on it because I felt a bit broken down and fighting for every little thing was getting overwhelming) and she says "42 weeks". I was a bit shocked, made sure I heard her right. And sure enough I had. All of this is dependent upon things still looking good and twice a week BPPs and checkups. But I didn't even have to fight for it. She did make one sarcastic comment about how big she is at 9lbs. I can't remember what she said but she made it clear that she wasn't happy. But then didn't say another word and the appointment was over. 

But I know ACOG doesn't recommend induction just because the growth scan shows that the baby "might" be big. And doesn't recommend even offering a mom a csection unless the baby is likely to be over 11lbs. With 9 days to go we aren't worried about that. So I'm really excited to be waiting! I'm glad my OB is listening to my wants and needs and while I wish she wasn't being so cold about some things I'm glad to be educated enough to know at this moment waiting is perfectly okay, preferred even and if my OB was truly concerned with any issue she isn't afraid to let me know. 

So we are in a good place! Really excited to know we have a chance at a successful unmedicated birth experience! And really hoping she decides she is fully baked very very soon! 3 years and 10 months of waiting is a long time and we are so ready to meet our rainbow!!!! 

Hoping this is the last update with my inside baby and the next update is from a very groggy, sleep deprived me, with a baby snuggled in my free arm! 

What an amazing ride it's been since I started this blog. As awful as its been, she really is worth it. And it's amazing to already feel that way when I still cannot even wrap my head around the fact that she is really real! 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Day 1 of....

Bed rest!!! And I'm already going a tad stir crazy. Though I shouldn't be, I've got plenty to do that can be done propped up in the bed (or the recliner). I'm still way behind on Thank You cards. There are at least 5 books I have only half way read and really want to finish. And I haven't touched any arts and craft projects in a long time so now would be a great time.

But I'm actually feeling even more stressed today just by being told I'm confined to the bed until Laura Kate comes.

It's not the actual act of laying around. It's feeling like I'm a burden to everyone around who has to pick up my slack. Luckily, the house is mostly clean (it's never completely clean with three dogs!) so it's just about maintaining it at this point but all that I "needed" to do today, chore wise, was wash a load of whites but now Brian has to do it. And I feel silly for not being allowed to take two minutes to load the washer, 45 seconds to put it in the dryer and all of five minutes to go and put it away!

And poor Brian has been working all day and already sent a text saying he's stuck at work. So I just feel bad that he has to work late and then come home and do extra stuff.

Then there's work. I just started training my replacement and while my job is incredibly simple I still feel bad that now others have to pick up my slack when I thought I'd have enough time to teach her all she needed to know.

It's hard to explain. But I do just feel anxious! Lots of anxiety I didn't feel before my appointment this morning!

So clearly I need to get my meditation on! No reason to feel stressed when I know what to do to relieve stress and heck, it'll give me extra practice before the big day when I plan on meditating my way through it!

So obviously my appointment this morning didn't go too well.

I was immediately called in for the BPP and Laura Kate scored a 10/10. My healthy little girl!

They did not even check her size so my fears over her size being an issue for my OB were clearly unwarranted (at least for now). And Brian and I both felt relief. And at that point I wasn't even slightly worried about my bp and figured it would come back fine, maybe still a tiny bit high but under the radar.

But no, it was even higher than Monday.

So bedrest it is.

I go back Monday for another BPP and bp check and hopefully things at least won't be any worse.

Something tells me I'll have plenty of time to blog over the coming days so you might be seeing a lot more of me!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Almost 39 weeks! Feeling good! But a looong rant!

I'm here!

And Laura Kate is still an inside baby with no sign that she is interested in making her grand entrance anytime soon!

I'm actually feeling pretty good lately. I had a few days where I felt miserable, last week I think it was, couldn't sleep at all, heartburn so bad I was having to stand up just to keep myself from upchucking (and that included taking extra strength zantac and more than the recommended amount of Tums each day). And then suddenly it all went away. I'm down to only a zantac at bedtime and maybe one or two Tums a day.

And I'm sleeping great! Feeling pretty grateful for that at almost 39 weeks!

Brian and I took a natural childbirth class the weekend before last and I'm sooooo incredibly glad we took the time to do it. We don't have much in this area, or in this state that is supportive of natural childbirth, natural anything for that matter! But my doula heard about the class and the three of us signed up. It lasted all weekend and Brian and I were both kind of dreading giving up our weekend, Brian much more than me, but in the end we are both so incredibly glad we went! Brian even told me "You were right" about 5 times! ;)

My confidence soared in my ability to make decisions based on my own wishes and what I truly believe is best for myself and Laura Kate AND based on facts rather than based on fear of something going wrong or making a doctor or nurse irritated because I'm going against their old fashioned, one size fits all protocols.

I know a lot of people hear that we are going "natural" and the first thing they think is that we are going without pain meds. Buts its not even about the pain medications, its so much more than that. We are going unmedicated. As in no medications unless they are necessary. I'm no fool and I won't do anything to put myself or my daughter at risk, so if medication of any sort is necessary then I'm all for it. But medication that isn't needed actually puts both me and Laura Kate at risk. That IS why I want a natural birth experience. Because 99% of births in the state of Louisiana are actually inductions! 40% are C-sections!!!

I was more shocked by the induction rate but only because I didn't realize that even if you start labor naturally, the normal protocol in my state is to give you Pitocin the minute you get a bed in the hospital. Therefore, you've been induced...needlessly. Inductions lead to more complications, stronger labor contractions, you HAVE to have continuous fetal monitoring if you're induced which means you aren't allowed to get out of bed to labor in more comfortable and natural positions, more likely to need an epidural because of the pain, an epidural means you can't feel the natural urge to push so you have to wait for someone to tell you when to push, which  means you are much more likely to tear or "need" an episiotomy.  And of course you're more likely to need a C-section if you're induced. You get my point. These were all some of the many reasons I really didn't want to go the traditional route and it was sooo helpful to have a midwife provide actual studies that proved to me that my concerns were valid AND best of all, she had advice on how to deal with hospital staff which has been my biggest concern. Obviously, the nurses and doctors want what is best so when I know I'm going to be butting heads with them and going against so much of their normal protocols and the way they've been trained, it really is important to feel like between me, my husband, and our doula that we can get our point across, get the birth experience that is truly best for me and Laura Kate without making the very people who are there to help feel like we're just attacking their every move.

Like I said...confidence!

But that leads me to my OB who I've been with since I was 17. I think she's a great doctor. I do. But I'm pretty much convinced that after Laura Kate is  born I will not be seeing her anymore. There have been a few things said that have really irritated me lately. For starters, we went over my birth plan, most of it she was perfectly fine with, but there were two or three things she didn't like or agree with or maybe just didn't understand.

For starters, we don't want the cord clamped or cut until it stops pulsating on its own. Delayed cord clamping. Hasn't everyone heard of this? Well my OB sure made it sound like we were aliens.

Whatever. No one is clamping that cord until we say so.

Second, I mentioned that I did not want Pitocin at all. And that included when delivering the placenta as a lot of times doctors assume you just don't want the Pitocin for the actual birth but then will give you Pitocin when its time to deliver the placenta. Her response was, "Well that's fine if you don't want Pitocin. I just wouldn't want you to bleed to death.".

Um....ok. What exactly do the two have to do with one another? Delivering the placenta is a natural thing. My body should be able to figure it out on its own. If it can't then that falls under the "do what you gotta do" category and well doc, you can do what you gotta do. But to make it sound like if I don't take a drug to force my body to deliver the placenta it is going to lead to me hemorrhaging and dying is just plain old stupid and pretty insensitive honestly.

Obviously, if my life or Laura Kate's life is ever in danger then we do what the doctor wants and we do it with no questions asked. And we made that very clear in the beginning of our birth "plan" and said it aloud upon handing a copy to her.

So I didn't appreciate her comment.

The other thing she said was a couple weeks ago during my first internal exam (which I also think is completely unnecessary and I only agree to it because I'm picking my battles and decided it wasn't worth the hassle of saying no when I already feel like I'm saying no to a lot of other things that I do think are bigger deals). So as she's checking me and I'm cringing in pain she asks if we're excited and ready and all that jazz and makes a comment about how she knows its been a long time coming and she's happy for us. All sweet stuff, right?

Well then she says, "And now that you know how to do it...."

If I wasn't mid cringe because the exam was so painful I would have jumped up and bitch slapped her.

She goes on to talk about how we probably won't have any trouble next time and tells me a story of another patient who tried for 11 years and then adopted and miraculously got pregnant shortly after.

I was in such shock over her words all I could do was nod. Which makes me really mad at myself that I didn't stand up for myself and everyone else dealing with IF.

First of all, DOC, please explain "now that I know how to do WHAT?"

It makes no sense. Now that I know how to get pregnant? I mean because that is really funny coming from the very doctor who saw me get pregnant very quickly the first two times and the very doctor who performed the D&C that left me completely infertile!!!!! 30% chance of getting pregnant in 3 years time and then a 65% chance of it being another ectopic if we were to try without IVF.

She clearly has no recollection of WHY we had to move on to IVF. Which I suppose I don't expect her to. She wasn't my IF doctor, just my OB and after my second miscarriage all of my IF and loss care was provided by an RE. She never even knew that I'd gotten an infection after the D&C or that I'd had an ectopic and lost my tube and that my remaining tube was a POS.

But that comment has been ringing in my ears for the last few weeks and I really needed to get it off my chest.

And wow, this post turned into quite the rant. I swear I'm not walking around ready to explode or anything! But it all has been in the back of mind for a little while now so I'm glad to have it out.

And the truth is I do still like my OB, when she's simply just my GYN. And I didn't really realize that she wasn't exactly what I wanted in an OB until we've gone through this pregnancy together. She's still a great doctor but I can see we aren't a good fit. I wish I hadn't come to that realization so late in pregnancy because it just feels way too late to make a switch and start over now.

Yesterday was my weekly appointment. And my bp came back at 132/90. It's been creeping up lately. Pre-pregnancy I was usually around 110/70. Mid pregnancy  I was usually around 90/60. And now I'm staying around 120-130/ 80-90. Not really good. But not so high that I'm in immediate danger. Just something to keep an eye on.

Two weeks ago it came back at 132/90 as well and she had me come back in a couple days later for a recheck and it was fine. And there's only a trace amount of protein in my urine which she says is normal. So we went back to weekly appointments.

But yesterday it was high again so I go back again on Thursday. And in the mean time I'm supposed to check it twice a day at home and report in if I have any symptoms of high bp or if my numbers are high during my checks. As of today, they've been fine. My highest at lunch was 124/86. I still don't like that 86 though.

And she didn't even tell me that they wanted to do a BPP on Thursday too which is another thing I'm irritated about. When I went to check out the girl said we were scheduling an appointment for Thursday for the BPP as well as the regular check up.

BPP=biophysical profile, detailed ultrasound that they usually do when there are complications or concerns

Soooo, thanks for telling me that you concerned enough to schedule me for a BPP. I really appreciate being caught off guard. And now my nerves are getting the best of me because I don't know for sure what she is thinking.

But I'm not convinced that she isn't going to use the information from the BPP, like the weight ESTIMATE, to try and talk about inductions. Laura Kate has been measuring big for a while now. But I know that weight measurements are notoriously wrong. And all that information is doing is causing me unnecessary stress and even guilt that maybe I've done something wrong to make her "so big". I passed my glucose screening and while I don't deny myself food if I'm hungry, even if I think I've already eaten enough and shouldn't be hungry, I have eaten fairly healthy throughout this pregnancy (though my aversion to some of my favorite veggies has made it hard to eat them like I did before pregnancy) but I can't help but feel like I've done something wrong and now my baby isn't just "big" but that she's overweight, obese even and that I've made her unhealthy from the get go. Not a fun feeling to have. But hard to not think about when every time I go in for an internal check and the doc says I haven't dilated at all yet and there's no sign that she's ready to come out and ends it with "Come on baby! We don't want you getting any bigger!". And just a ridiculous comment to start making at only 35w5d.

Yes, she really did make that comment for the first time then and has continued to say it at each internal check I've had.

So basically, what have I learned?

If Brian and I are ever blessed enough to have second child through pregnancy again I will find a new doctor and will be giving birth in TX at a birthing center (since we don't have any in our state!) that will be much more supportive!

So that is what I've been feeling emotionally over the last few days. Stressed. And stress is not something I want to be feeling in my last days or weeks of pregnancy. So I just had to get it out! And I certainly feel much better!

But other than allllll of that doctor nonsense I really do feel fantastic. And excited!

I'll upload some bump pictures from the last couple weeks later!

AND if you actually managed to read through this entire rant then...WOW! You're awesome! :)

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Nursery reveal!

I haven't wanted to post any nursery pictures because I really wanted it completely done first. But now I'm impatient. Her rug won't be in for another month, maybe longer. And there's about 5 or 6 little things in the room that I need to touch up or straight up fix. But for the most part, if Laura Kate were to arrive tomorrow, her room would be ready.

Sheets, towels, cloth diapers, and clothes have all been washed and put away.

There's really not too much left to do before her arrival, which is good considering full term is just days away. Though I don't anticipate her arrival quite so soon! But who knows!

So I'll quit jibber jabbering and get on with the nursery pics!

This is what you see when you first walk in! 

Her dresser/changing table. The picture frames are one of the things I clearly need to finish! Though some will remain empty until she's here and we have cute baby pics to fill them with!        

The hospital wreath I made thanks to Pinterest. The picture frame isn't actually on the wreath securely yet, just being held on with a flimsy ribbon...but you get the point. 
The shelves her daddy made. 

Crib and mural I painted. 
Chest of drawers with her name above. Yep, I decorated the letters for her name. 

Close up of her name.
Her itty bitty closet...packed!
22 Cloth Diapers! Just waiting on a couple more for my "full" set!
The cutest hooded towel I've ever seen! 

Today's (36w4d) belly picture. Yes, I'm wearing the exact same top as last time. I can't tell much difference between the this one and the last one though.

Busted. Clearly, Liam didn't get the message that I literally JUST washed that sheet. Or that he still isn't allowed in the room. Or maybe I'm just now getting the message that he doesn't care! 

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