Thursday, November 15, 2012

Doing Nothing

Funny how I couldn't wait for the cycle to start, to get to Dallas, to get to my first monitoring appointment, to learn how many eggs were retrieved, to learn how many eggs were fertilized, to hear how our embryos were growing, to how many would be transferred and how healthy they were, and then.....

Nothing.

We just sit now. And wait.

And it's weird. And all it does is provide time to think and obsess and worry.

Of course that isn't much different than what I was doing the last two weeks either though but the difference was at least I felt proactive. But this sitting and knowing there really is nothing I can do to change the outcome is stressful.

I truthfully don't feel optimistic. I truthfully feel like even if we're lucky for one or two or even all three of these babies to implant they're going to die shortly after anyway. I don't know if its negative thinking, I actually don't think it is. I think its realistic thinking. But it makes me feel guilty.

After learning of our new potential diagnosis, and its all very "potential" as no tests have been done, there is simply just circumstantial evidence, I'm not optimistic.

But if its the case, we're four times more likely to miscarry.

Dr. S didn't say that but some studies I've been reading did.

And if, depending on who you ask, the miscarriage rate in your average couple is anywhere from 10-25% then 4 times that is 40-100%.

I'm just not optimistic. I'm just defeated.

But trying so hard to be hopeful because it could all work out. It really could.



7 comments:

  1. you haven't left my prayers. i hope the next week passes quickly. <3<3<3
    maria

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  2. *big hugs* sweetie!
    I've got everything crossed that this gives you your take-home baby! (Or, better yet, babies!!)
    <3 <3

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  3. Oh, my heart hurts for you. I hope that you get your miracle baby (babies).

    anotherivfblog.blogspot.com

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  4. Stay positive and hang in there.
    Send all the love and vibes you can to your little bambinos!

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  5. Katharine, so sorry at the potentially not so good news. However, I am staying hopeful and positive that this WILL work for you. It just has to! I know I've never met you...but want you to know that you are in my prayers daily!

    - Hugs, Kara
    www.waitingonbabyb.wordpress.com

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  6. Hoping with all my heart that it WILL work!

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  7. I think when you've tried so hard and for so long to become pregnant it's natural to start feeling like "Why should it work?" And I know this is compounded by your recent test results which have you worried, but you might have had those feelings even without those results. It's just normal to feel that way. I know I have been the past few cycles.

    It's your own subconscious way of protecting yourself in case it doesn't work out. Well, I hope you WILL save some room in your heart to keep believing! You have every reason to be PUPO, so don't forget that. You have done everything by the book, and you have 3 good chances that it will work out right now! The chances of this working are far better than anything else you could have done, and I for one, BELIEVE that it is going to happen for you! Stay positive and don't let those doubts steal too much room in your heart. I am hoping for the very best for you!

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