Funny how I couldn't wait for the cycle to start, to get to Dallas, to get to my first monitoring appointment, to learn how many eggs were retrieved, to learn how many eggs were fertilized, to hear how our embryos were growing, to how many would be transferred and how healthy they were, and then.....
We just sit now. And wait.
And it's weird. And all it does is provide time to think and obsess and worry.
Of course that isn't much different than what I was doing the last two weeks either though but the difference was at least I felt proactive. But this sitting and knowing there really is nothing I can do to change the outcome is stressful.
I truthfully don't feel optimistic. I truthfully feel like even if we're lucky for one or two or even all three of these babies to implant they're going to die shortly after anyway. I don't know if its negative thinking, I actually don't think it is. I think its realistic thinking. But it makes me feel guilty.
After learning of our new potential diagnosis, and its all very "potential" as no tests have been done, there is simply just circumstantial evidence, I'm not optimistic.
But if its the case, we're four times more likely to miscarry.
Dr. S didn't say that but some studies I've been reading did.
And if, depending on who you ask, the miscarriage rate in your average couple is anywhere from 10-25% then 4 times that is 40-100%.
I'm just not optimistic. I'm just defeated.
But trying so hard to be hopeful because it could all work out. It really could.